Search Results for: infertility story

Hope When We’re Living a Hard Story

I’ll celebrate my daughter’s birthday tomorrow. This might seem like a fairly ordinary occurrence. But it’s not to me. Because this is the girl God gave us after almost a decade of infertility. You can read our story here, but the short version is we met when Lovelle was twenty, she became ours at twenty-one and tomorrow she will blow out twenty-five candles on her cake.

Because God is extravagant in His goodness, I’m not only a Mama now but also a Nana. Lovelle and her husband welcomed baby Eula Ellen (nicknamed “Ellie”) into their lives last August. God is in the details because August 28th is the day Lovelle officially took our last name. We call it “Gerth Day” and treat it like a holiday in our family. Ellie came on Gerth Day.

A few months after Ellie arrived, Lovelle and I were standing in the kitchen at my house. She asked, tentatively, “Does being around Ellie make you wish you had a baby of your own?”

I didn’t hesitate with my answer, “If God told me I could go back in time and choose to have a baby of my own or have grown-up you again, I’d pick you in a second. I wouldn’t even have to think about it.” This is the gut-honest truth. This is redemption. This is God doing heart-healing in ways I never knew were possible until I lived it.

I share this because you may be coming up on a milestone too. Only you may not be on the other side of the answered prayers yet. You may still be in the ugly-cry-in-the-bathroom, stare-at-the-negative-pregnancy-test part of the journey. Or you could be experiencing another kind of barrenness in your life—a door to a job that just won’t open, a relationship that seems to have no life left in it, a dream that seems to be slipping away forever.

If so I want to whisper, so gently, don’t give up yet. I will never, ever tell you not to cry or rant or hide under the covers when you need to. Feel all the feelings. Say all the things. Just know that underneath all of that there can still be hope. God isn’t finished with your story yet.

It turns out Lovelle is a writer and speaker too. She said this in a blog post: “As I find myself looking back on my past and all the things that have happened to me, I can’t help but wonder why things had to go the way they did…. Are you frustrated with the way your life is looking right now? Are you losing your grasp on contentment? Are you trying to read too much into how God is working in your life? I want you to know that God doesn’t waste anything. Even if you are doing something you feel is useless, God has a plan and it will come to pass. That’s the promise I am believing today and my prayer is that you do the same.”

Yes, tomorrow I will celebrate my daughter’s birthday. I will celebrate the beautiful, kind, strong young woman I waited on for so many years. I will celebrate the family God has given us. I will celebrate the God who knows the desires of our hearts even better than we do, who is still writing all our stories in wild and mysterious ways today.

Happy Birthday, Lovelle. You will always be one of the best gifts God has ever given me.

XOXO,
Holley

P.S. Would you like to celebrate Lovelle’s birthday with our family? One way you can do so is by joining us in partnering with Compassion International to empower little girls in poverty to grow up to be fiercehearted women.

P.P.S. These words are from today’s (in)courage blog post. If you’d like to leave a comment for me or Lovelle, please click here and we’ll be sure to read your comments there!

When God Changes Your Plans {An Infertility Update}

by Holley 233 Comments

Nurture Bracelet by Lisa Leonard

Friends, this post has been a long time coming. And I’m going to ask for your grace in advance. Because it makes me knocking-knees nervous to write it. Infertility is such a personal subject for many different reasons besides the obvious. But enough of you have asked and I’ve done enough praying that I just want to give you an update.

Before I start I want to include this disclaimer: If there’s one thing I’ve learned on this journey it’s that everyone’s story is different. What I’m sharing applies to my hubby and I alone.

When Mark and I married in 2000 we thought starting a family would be easy for us. Doesn’t everyone? When we officially began the process to become parents about five years later, we soon realized that wouldn’t be the case for us. Long story short, we went through years of grief, loss, doctor’s appointments and some serious wrestling with God. Out of that process came my first devotional book, Rain on Me {recently released in a new edition as Under God’s Umbrella}.

During that time, over seven people on separate occasions prayed over me that “God would bring new life through my words.” I tucked each of those statements away in my heart, not sure what they meant. God provided many other instances where he used people, even women I didn’t know, to speak into my life that I was not barren. And one day I looked at the Scripture passage about Eve who was called “the mother of all living” and I knew in my heart that every woman is a mama. Yep, every single one of us brings life into the world in some way.

And mine was not going to be through a physical baby.

It took me years to even dare to whisper that to the closest people in my life. Our culture is so focused on physical family that it felt scandalous–and possibly unchristian–even to speak those words out loud. When I began to, the response was usually, “Have you ever thought about adoption?” The answer: Yes, of course we had. We had thought, prayed, wrestled with it. And yet we never felt like God was directing us to adopt a baby. That was also an extremely difficult decision in a generation that is passionate about adoption {and rightly so!}.

From time to time I would ask God again, “Are you sure we’re on the path you want us on?” And inevitably within twenty-four hours someone would send me a note saying, “I’m not sure why I’m sending you this but I think God wants me to tell you you’re already a mother.” Truly. I wrote every single time that happened in my journal.

So I’m here, friends, almost ten years from the time we started this journey. And I want to tell you this: my heart is healed, my life is full, and I’m a word mama to the hearts of thousands of women around the world. I’m truly, deeply blessed.

We could have gone out and found a way to get a baby. We live in a culture where we can make that happen. And it would have done away with a lot of the hard questions we’ve had to answer the last few years. But if we had, it would not have been God’s best for us. I would have been like Sarah and whatever option I chose would have been my Hagar.

So I’m officially announcing that our infertility journey is done. We are in a new season–one of so much life, growth, and joy. One I wouldn’t have chosen but now wouldn’t trade because as David said in the Psalms “better is one day in your courts than thousands elsewhere.” In other words, I want to stay in the center of God’s will. I trust him to continue filling the mama-longing in my heart {Ps. 84:11}. I trust him to take care of me when I’m old {Is. 46:4}. I trust him to have a plan that is greater than mine {Rom. 8:28}.

And in that I can rest.

Even more than rest, I can rejoice.

It is well with my soul.

I am a mother. And it is good.

XOXO

Holley

p.s. The evening after I wrote this post I had dinner with a younger friend of mine. She handed me an envelope with a sweet note and the beautiful Nurture bracelet above. Another confirmation for my heart. When I looked for the link on Lisa Leonard’s site to the bracelet, I couldn’t find it. After more searching I discovered the reason: It was a limited edition item from this year’s Mother’s Day collection. 🙂

p.s. again…Three months after I wrote this post God brought an extraordinary 21 year old woman named Lovelle into our lives. She’s our adopted daughter and fills our hearts with so much joy. We’re not blood family…but we’re family by the blood of Jesus. He fulfills our desires beyond all we can even imagine.

A God-sized Dreams Story

by Holley 49 Comments

They met one hot Arkansas summer. She wore a dress. He wore a uniform. She invited the soldier home after church for dinner. And pie.

Oh, that lemon icebox pie.

They settled down in a small town. Had two girls. She got polio at 29 and made her way through life in a wheelchair. I still remember the tracks in the carpet and how following them meant going into the arms of a woman that smelled like Mary Kay and kindness.

He started a business. It prospered. And then one day, God tapped him on the shoulder with a God-sized dream.

“Start a Christian bookstore,” came the whisper.

So they stepped away from safe, comfortable, middle-class “success” and took a leap of faith not knowing what would happen.

It began with a kiosk in the middle of a mall.

Then a small storefront.

And it grew.

That seed of a dream–watered with sweat, perseverance, tears and prayer became a life-giving thing in their community.

Through the years I watched the ups and downs of business. I learned about dealing with people. I saw how written words could change hearts and lives.

Mostly, I curled up in the back room with stacks of books.

And one day God tapped me on the shoulder with a God-sized dream too, “Become a writer.”

The whisper wouldn’t go away all through Junior High when I wrote poetry in notebooks instead of paying attention in science class. It didn’t go away through the strict youth group years of high school or the rebellious season of college. It didn’t go away through moving, marriage, over seven years of infertility, career transitions and my share of rejection letters. From seed to sprouting my God-sized dream spanned over two decades.

My Grandpa, the one in the story, decided to retire at age 85. Now he calls me on Sundays and asks, “How’s that book going?” And I get to tell him how God has answered prayers uttered before I even came into this world. I get to tell him about all of you, your God-sized dreams, how you’re taking the little words God places in my heart and using them to change the world.

I can hear the smile in his voice when I’m through sharing. “Hang in there,” he says (which is his version of “Keep doing what you’re doing, girl. It matters.”)

Encouragement from the first God-sized dreamer in my life.

A dreamer who’s now 91 years young.

I take his words in and they taste good to my soul.

Like lemon icebox pie.

******

Last week this was your “do what you can” step for your God-sized dream: Find a God-sized dream story that inspires you and share it with us. You can link up your post below or share in the comments.

So we can all find each other, please include this button in your post. And also take a moment to leave a comment on the post before yours.

For next week, your “do what you can” step for your God-sized dream is this: Write a post that’s titled “A Letter to the God-sized Dreamers” and tell your God-sized dreaming sisters why we need them and their dreams–especially when it’s hard. You’re Made for a God-sized Dream officially releases next week so I would be forever grateful if you would please share about it in your post too. You can get all the info about the book here. Thank you, thank you!

God-sized Dreams – The Backstory {and a few confessions}

by Holley 79 Comments

God-sized Dream = a desire in your heart for more of what God has for you.

photo by horia varlan

Yesterday we kicked off our God-sized dreams journey together. It’s a new year and there’s so much in store for us. As I thought about what’s ahead, I couldn’t help thinking about what’s behind too.

We all have a back story.

You do.

I do too.

I don’t talk about mine much. But I thought as we get started together I should tell you a few things. Because it might be tempting to come here and think that the road to where I am now has been easy. Or that I have it all together. Or that all have my God-sized dreams have happened. But none of those are true.

In reality, I’ve struggled off an on with depression and social anxiety most of my life.

My husband and I have walked through many, many years of infertility and we have a baby in heaven.

God asked me to leave a job with people I loved and take a step of faith without having any idea what would happen.

I still have days when I feel crazy and wonder what in the world I’m doing and the fear doesn’t just knock but BANGS on the door of my heart.

You see, God-sized dreams aren’t about being perfect. Or getting what we want. Or things working out the way we plan.

I can tell you this, on your God-sized dreams journey…

You will feel fear.

You will fail at some point.

And you may even find that you have to let a dream go.

But I can also tell you, on your God-sized dreams journey…

You will become more courageous.

You will have victories you never through possible.

And you will be filled up with what you really need, which is less of you and more of Jesus in your life.

God-sized dreaming isn’t for wimps.

But at the same time it’s really only for wimps.

Because we all are exactly that. We’re weak and broken and afraid. And we’re also strong and whole and filled with the resurrection power of Christ.

We are living paradoxes and nothing will show you that more than a God-sized dream.

If you’re looking at all this God-sized dreams stuff with a bit of skepticism can I just whisper, “It’s okay to feel that way. But dare to come with us anyway. Not because of where you will go but because of where this journey will take you…and that’s closer to the heart of God.”

Dare to turn the page on your back story.

It’s time for a new beginning.

Not sure where to begin? Start with The “Do What You Can” Plan: 21 Days to Making Any Area of Your Life Better

The Rest of Your Story 6: Where are you now?

by Holley 72 Comments

To start from part one, click here.

For the last few days, we’ve been doing a little looking back and also making sure our stories are written with truth.

Today I’d like to ask one question (you can answer by leaving a comment)…

Where are you now?

If you picked up the book of your life and flipped it open to today’s page, what would it say?

Part of where I am sounds like this…

I’m at a crossroads in my story. After completing a masters degree in counseling, publishing a book, and launching (in)courage, it feels in some ways like I’ve finished several chapters but I don’t know what’s coming.

My husband and I are still on our journey of infertility. While I’m at peace with it most of the time, it’s another big question mark in my life. As someone who likes to fill in the blanks, I struggle with not having answers.

I’m trying to find the balance between “being still and knowing He is God” and “asking, seeking, knocking” so I can turn the page and find out what happens next. It’s exciting and frustrating all at the same time.

Before we can move forward, we need to know where we are now.

Today is always the starting place for the rest of your story.

Like I did in the Joy Challenge, I’ll have random giveaways for people who comment or subscribe during this series. (Subscribers, leave a comment here or on Heart to Heart with Holley at the top of the e-mail. Then scroll down and click on “comments” at the bottom of the actual post.)

Subscribe by Email

Share |