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My counselor looks at me with a gentle smile as I finish sharing yet another expectation I’ve placed on myself. “You say the word ‘should’ a lot,” she observes. “I do?” is the only response I can muster at the time.
But over the next few days as I tune into my own language that initial reaction changes from “I do?” to “I DO!” My conversations are laced with the word. My thoughts are filled with it. Its synonym sisters are there as well: “ought to,” “need to,” “supposed to.” If “should” and its variations were cuss words I’d make a sailor blush.
I sheepishly showed up to my next appointment and told my counselor. “You were so right. I do say ‘should’ all the time! What now?” She had a brilliant idea. I was to make a list of all my “shoulds.” Then I was to go to Scripture and find verses to support them.
Here are some examples of items on my list:
I should be more of an extrovert.
I should enjoy getting up early in the morning.
I should write a to-do list every day and complete it.
Y’all—I wrote THREE pages. You can probably guess what’s coming. As I looked through Scripture, I found out that none of my “shoulds” could be found. I was making up laws for myself based on the culture around me (introvert vs. extrovert, morning person vs. night owl, structured vs. go-with-the-flow). And those laws came with expectations that led to shame and guilt when I didn’t meet them. I had become my own personal “Phari-she.”
When someone asked Jesus what mattered most He said, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” {Matt. 22:37-40}
Here’s the secret in those words: God gives us the “what” but He also gives us great freedom in the “how.” The ways we live out what Jesus said matters most are going to look different for each of us. Every “should” we create for ourselves is a love-killer because it takes away grace and turns what we do from heartfelt service to guilt-fueled performance.
Let’s start treating the word “should” like a naughty word in our vocabularies. And let’s replace it with an actual four-letter word of an entirely different kind: Love. That’s what we’re created for, what we’re intended to live from, what sets our hearts free.
What are your personal “shoulds”? What does God want to whisper to your heart instead today?
This post is part of the What’s True About Us series.
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Welcome to the Coffee for Your Heart weekly link-up! You’re an encourager so I’m asking you to pour out a little love with your words every Wednesday {link-up goes live at 5:30am CST}. Simply write an encouraging blog post and then share it here. Don’t have a blog? You can still write an encouraging comment. If you’re reading this by email, go to holleygerth.com to see all the fun and join in too.
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I’m having Coffee For Your Heart with my friend Holley Gerth
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Holley, I love this post…Romans 8:1 comes to mind…”there is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus”…as I rest in the finished work of Christ on the cross, I experience His unconditional love…all the “shoulds” are washed away by the Niagra Falls of the Holy Spirit flowing through me…praise His Holy Name! Many blessings to you ❤️
Oh gosh- YES. I have so many “shoulds” – but their is so much freedom when we take out the “shoulds.” This was a great post, Holly!
Could it be that we’re all little Pharisee girls at heart — just making up the rules as we go along?
Thanks for your example of going back to the source — God’s Word!
Holley, were you listening into my conversation this morning? I was just sharing with my husband how overwhelmed I was with my “shoulds.” I love this post. Clearly, I need to spend more time resting in the Lord and letting Him carry the burdens on my heart and mind, accepting that He loves me just the way I am! Thanks for sharing, and providing such a wonderful place to link up on.
What a profound revelation! How true this is: ” I was making up laws for myself based on the culture around me.” Thank you for sharing your heart. There is so much truth for me in this!
As a recovering co-dependent, I have been the hardest and most critical of myself…..those “shoulds” manage to sneek their way in to my conscious and produce guilt of not doing enough….it takes lots of self-talk with God’s grace to make them go away….learning and practicing to do what is necessary and be at peace with “enough”.
Oh Holley, how deeply I relate to this post. I make up laws for myself all the time based on what culture says we should be and do. I struggle with chronic pain and illness and some days it is impossible for me to do the things I “should” do. I tell myself even though I’m in too much pain to move around, I should fold the laundry. I should cook an elaborate meal. I should do my hair. I should look more put together. In these moments, God is faithful to whisper back to me, “just rest, dear child. You are enough because I say you are. You don’t have to do anything to be lovely because you ARE lovely just are you are. Thanks for this reminder today!!
Excellent post: a great challenge and keen insight. Thank you, Holley.
Holley- you are speaking my language, sister! My vocabulary was full of should’s, have to’s and last but not least, always. My words were filled with absolutes… I should be doing this, I have to do that, and Why am I always doing that? Thank the Lord my husband loved me enough to bring it to my attention. Once I realized it I too, kicked that Phari-she to the curb! I love knowing that others play a role in bringing us to that next level. Perhaps someone today will be set free from that Phari-she mentality as they read your transparent & insightful post!
This is me too! I am always saying I should or I have to or I need to. I’m told to stop “shoulding” all over myself. Thank you for sharing. It’s great to know I’m not the only one. I’d like to share a prayer that I’ve been reading every morning for a week. “The Knots Prayer”– Dear God, please untie the knots that are in my mind, my heart and my life. Remove the have nots, the can nots and the do nots that I have in my mind. Erase the will nots, may nots, might nots that may find a home in my heart. Release me from the could nots, would nots and should nots that obstruct my life. And most of all, Dear God, I ask that you remove from my mind, my heart and my life, all of the “am nots” that I have allowed to hold me back, especially the thought that I am not good enough. In Jesus’s name, Amen.
Wow – I love this! So very clever but spot-on, too.
I like this, too, Kathy! Thank you for sharing. May Go continue to bless you richly!
I have some “should’s” as I am trying to fix my relationship ship with my boyfriend now. I know that God wants us to stop worrying about things.
Mine are always past tense; ‘should have’, ‘could have’, ‘would have’ (with hind sight of course)! Am I the only one who finds it so hard to let go of past mistakes and failures, especially when I am still living with the consequences of those? So hard to obey the Scripture which says, “Forgetting those things which are behind…” I find it easier to extend grace to others than to myself. Please pray for me.
This was so powerful, Holley. Thank you for helping us tear down those strongholds of self condemnation.
Hope the Gerths had a wonderful Easter!
My “I-shoulds,” at 62-years-young, now mainly center around the mundane, (‘I should wash the clothes, or I should go to the store because we are running out of toilet paper….’). So it is so soul-warming that I mainly have one based on what the shorter catechism says. I should glorify God and enjoy Him forever! Thanks, Holley, and may He continue to bless you in His wisdom.
Sounds like me! I am the same age. When it comes down to it, who is really going to care if I clean the floor today or leave it to tomorrow? It isn’t so great when I put off cleaning the bathroom for two weeks!
It reminded me of should’,could’a would’a. Thank God for grace. He sees us as complete in Jesus. I recently heard a minister say that He was the only one who could truly love God with all His soul,heart and mind. By being obedient unto death, He fulfilled that law and gave us the grace to follow His commandment to love one another. We can all benefit from looking at Jesus and watching what we say.
Oh, I’ve definitely had my fair share of “shoulds” (one big one being like yours ‘I should enjoy getting up early in the mornings.’)
– I should love exercising.
– I should not follow that dream, but stay where I’m at.
So many. Thank you for the encouraging word, I may just write down my own ‘should’ sentences and then ask the Lord what He really wants of me. <3
thanks again, holley, for your encouraging words and openness for all of us out here–and for this great statement:
Every “should” we create for ourselves is a love-killer because it takes away grace and turns what we do from heartfelt service to guilt-fueled performance.
Working on my “be-ing” today instead of my “should-ing” – blessings on your soul from CA.
Holly, I’ve been using You’re Already Amazing flip calendar. Yesterday, March 29, you posted Hebrews 10:14. I was so shocked and so joyful. That verse has been a sustaining verse for me for a long time. It is not a familiar verse to people, I’ve never heard it preached or offered for encouragement….til yesterday. It feels so good to have someone else know and cherish one of my special verses. Love, Hugs and Blessings, Bonnie
I totally understand this post . . .I have been “should-ing” all over my life for FAR TOO LONG! Now I am learning to live in step with God and all that he has created within me and to accept the things he has not made in my. I am learning to appreciate the body of Christ as working better when we do our part instead of longing to be or do what is not uniquely me & my purpose. AMEN Holley! NO MORE SHOULD SHAME
I deeply identify with this, Holley. I’m always battering myself with “should’s” and falling short. Feeling like I’m not enough. I try to focus on Romans 8:1, but sometimes it just doesn’t sink in. My husband tells me I need to get “guilt” out of my vocabulary, but it seems so much a part of my make-up. Thank you for this reminder. Blessings and hugs to you!
Love this so much, Holley. God has really been encouraging me to break my rules – to break free from all the “shoulds” and “musts” that I build up in my own mind. He’s been telling me to let Him set the rules – written with grace, and love, and my goodness in mind. Thank you for confirming His word to my heart.
Holley,
Oh, thank you for the reminder for this recovering perfectionist….although I say “should” much less than I did 20 years ago, it is still a struggle at times, as in “I should do more…” vs. I only need to do what God calls me to do and has equipped me to do. Blessings to you…XOXO
When I was reading self-help books last year trying to understand my daughter’s deep depression, I came across the horrible ‘should’–and realized that I used it an awful lot in relation to giving advice to others. I’ve made a conscious effort to eliminate the shoulds from my conversations with other people, but thank you for the reminder to stop beating myself up with them, too!
Such an excellent and timely post! I am constantly allowing myself to feel guilt or shame for all the things I should be doing, should have done, or should not have done. I’ve often been told if I treated anyone else the way I treat myself, I’d never have any friends or family who would want to be near me!
I’m working on trying to replace all the shoulds with grace, and allow myself to live!
Holly, I am a grad student in Marriage & Family Therapy. In preparing for a presentation recently, I did some research on shame. It was fascinating! It seems that shame is a root cause for all kinds of things; addictions, domestic violence, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, intimacy issues, parenting challenges… and I was really struck by the assertion that “it is impossible to shame someone into acting better.”Shame is distinctly different from guilt and remorse (which are emotions that *can* result in changed behavior). Shame is experienced in our physical bodies, and literally shuts our brains down until we have only 3 possible responses: fight, flight or freeze (this is our most primitive “survival brain”). We literally cannot reason when we are in a shame spiral, we can only react. The other fascinating piece I came across was a suggested approach to dealing with the effects of shame, used successfully with criminals and addicts of various types. It was in “the literature” for this area of study, but how Biblical it is! It was titled “The Four Rs of Self-Forgiveness”.
1. We must take Responsibility for our actions.
2. We must have the courage & take the time to experience Remorse.
3. We must do whatever is needed for Restoration/Restitution. This includes the step of reaffirming the values we hold that we transgressed through our actions.
4. Renewal will follow as we accept forgiveness (we know first from God, then ourselves, and hopefully the wronged party).
I had never pulled apart the concepts of shame, guilt and remorse before, but it was an eye-opener! Hope it helps someone else.
thanks alot for this but what happens when situations arise when youre younger and had no control and now at an older age the situations keep arising in my thoughts and wont go away and keep praying and reading the bible. so therefore i keep getting attacked mentally and my shoulds keep overtaking me.
I can relate to what you are saying!
Vicki, I’ve been thinking about you for several days. It sounds like there are some very important things on your mind, and you are so right that we cannot simply bury the past – we must work to understand it and the ways that it continues to control us and those whom our lives touch. Being a Christian doesn’t mean we are instantly healed from all the wounds that come to us in life, nor does it mean that we can see ourselves in perspective or know the questions we should be asking. I want to encourage you to find a skilled therapist who can walk with you through the part of your journey where you must go back…to go forward. You are worth the time and effort it will take. You are a daughter of the King.
Words of truth here! The enemy’s design is to keep us stuck…but we have God’s Word to combat every single false word of the enemy!
Blessings to you!
Thanks Holley!
I also wanted to thank you for your “Printables”. I’ve given them as gifts of encouragement to a number of people and they have been very well received. I appreciate your sharing them so generously!
I’m so glad to hear that!
Great post! So many ‘should’ and so little time! A very inspirational, aspirational and thought-provoking post.
I need to read this every day! That is one of my favorite words. I use it because I seem to get so little done most days.
To be more patient is my should at this point in my life. Seems that the answers to my prayers are taking a while.
Beautiful post as always.
THIS is for me, so true! Thanks, Holley! 🙂 I struggle with the same: I am absolutely not an early bird, I am not an extrovert + I cannot get organized, I am more a moment person 🙂
I so need all this. I feel like I have been in the wilderness with the Isralites for awhile! It’s time to get back into His word and looking into the promise land.
Thank you Holly for all the encouragement!
So interesting how God works! I often call people out on their ‘should-ing’ on self, yet the other day I was called out on it, of course! I love how you have turned this around to ‘love.’ Thank you!
I struggle with self-condemnation due in part to legalism (having to do all the right things to be good enough). And, since a lot of the things I am “supposed to” do are good things I feel doubly confused. Things like, “I should read my Bible more” sound like something that is true. But I hate living that way – checking items off my “I did it – I must be okay enough for today” list. How do I get a heart of love for God? I don’t want to live a duty-bound life…but it’s what I know & it’s how my mind works.
The I shoulds create a panicky, anxious feeling within. That should be my clue that they certainly aren’t God given.
Session One:
Pause
Catch Your Breath
Settle In
I am so pretty
Psalm 139:14 I praise You for I am fearfully and wonderfully made!
Seeing who God made you to be leads to praise not to pride’
We are free to serve
1.) Give God Praise
2.) There is only one you to go out and love as only you can.
You are made in God’s image
Prayer:
God help me see myself the way You see me!
Amen.
I reading about the “shoulds”…… I thought about a word I use s lot and that is “ought”…… And I was so encouraged about what you said…..and the many comments of others . It helped me to know I need to work on the shoulds and oughts in my life and just trust in Jesus and rest in HIS loving grace,
Perhaps it was you, Holley, who said, “Good enough is good enough.” I have that statement on a Post-It, right here in my work space. I, too, am trying to retrain myself to move away from perfectionism. It’s helpful to remember our Heavenly Father does not expect perfection out of imperfect people. “He knows what we are made of, remembering that we are dust” (Psalm 103:14). And just like a loving human father, I think he would say, “You’ve been pushing yourself hard lately. What you SHOULD do is rest a bit. Don’t worry about the to-do-list.” Praise God he is compassionate, gracious, and rich in faithful love (v.8)!
Hey Holley! My dissertation for my degree was about love, the important thing about that scripture, “love your neighbour as yourself ” is, I finally came to understand, that we need to love ourselves as we love our neighbour. My should was I would put everyone and their problems before me and mine, the upshot of this was I took such bad care of my own wellbeing I was unable to care as well as I felt I should for others, which lead to mega guilt! The truth is that God loves us, and he has commanded us to love ourselves too, not in a self-centred way, but to be aware that we are his precious children and dearly loved by him. Thanks again for the brilliant posts xxxx