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When I’m afraid, my fists are clenched around all I have and everyone I love. I am the hoarder and the bodyguard. The seagull chorusing “mine, mine!” Gollum with my precious glittering in the light.
In those moments I am out of my mind. I am animal and bone, shout and madness. If I were not in this state I could recognize this unexpected truth: Coming to the place of surrender is where we begin to get free from fear.
The place where we say, “It’s not about safety. It’s about security.”
The place where we believe, “Everything may not work out the way I want. But I can trust God no matter what happens.”
Getting to this place is not easy. It requires wrestling and tears and sweat and struggle. I have lived this. I bear its healing scars. For me they came through my journey of infertility, which lasted almost a decade.
I tried to control everything so that I could get a specific outcome. Tests and temperatures, appointments and articles. I held on as tightly to my goal as I did to the one-lined pregnancy tests at the end of every month.
Then slowly, slowly I felt like God brought me to a point where I finally said, “Whatever.” Not “Whatever” (with the sarcastic tone and eye roll—although some days I did indeed want to say that). But “Whatever, Lord. I am surrendering my expectations. I’m surrendering what I’ve been demanding.” I waved the white flag and I let trust win.
People would ask, “How do you feel about your infertility?” And I would say, “I have a peace about it.” And they would look at me like, “Yeah, yeah, Sunday School answer.” And I said, “No, it’s the kind of peace that comes after war. And I fought for it. I will surrender everything else but not that peace.”
It was that peace that replaced my fear, that set me free. Yes, there were still hard days but I also had a deep assurance that I could rest. I could wait. I could believe God was working even when I couldn’t see it, even though I didn’t understand.
Years later when God brought us a twenty-year old daughter, an entirely unexpected ending to our story, I was so glad I didn’t let fear win. That I didn’t force something to happen just to have my way.
I am not the grabber or the Gollum so often anymore. I am learning a different way. Looking back I’ve come to understand this: My fists were clenched in fear. God asked me to open them not so He could take everything away but so He could give me more than I’d even imagined.
XOXO
Holley Gerth
– If “Peace on Earth” sounds like it’s for everyone but you this holiday season, check out the rest of the End the Year with Less Fear series.
– If you’d like a little extra encouragement {and a free ebook!}, you can subscribe to receive blog posts via email.
– Looking for encouraging gifts? There’s something in my bookshop for every woman on your Christmas list this year! {Psst…lots of sales are going on now.}
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Welcome to the Coffee for Your Heart weekly link-up! You’re an encourager so I’m asking you to pour out a little love with your words every Wednesday {link-up goes live at 5:30am CST}. Simply write an encouraging blog post and then share it here. Don’t have a blog? You can still write an encouraging comment. If you’re reading this by email, go to holleygerth.com to see all the fun and join in too.
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I’m having Coffee For Your Heart with my friend Holley Gerth
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