I cried on the way to Panera Café this morning…

Several people this week have asked me how I’m feeling about our infertility. I haven’t talked about it for awhile because there’s never anything new to share. But since my book came out, the subject has come up again.

It’s not that I mind mentioning it. It’s been four and a half years so discussing it is the equivalent of talking about my elbow. I actually have to remind myself that there are certain subjects that are not appropriate for polite conversation. Actually, I’m doing that now. So, moving on…

I tell most people who ask, “I’m at peace about it.” That usually evokes a puzzled look on my part and theirs. There’s a second or two of silence in which we look at our shoes and/or the ceiling. Then they say something like, “Oh, that’s good.” And I say, “Yeah, it is.” Then we smile awkwardly and move on to something else.

I walk away from those conversations always feeling as if I didn’t express myself well. I feel like a Sunday School teacher giving a pat answer, a nice little Christian cliché. But there’s so much more to that word “peace” than I’ve been able to explain.

Until this morning.

As I was driving, I reflected back over our journey and I realized the kind of peace I meant. It’s not the pansy, pie-in-the-sky, life-is-perfect peace. No, this is the kind of peace that comes after war. It’s the hard-won, show-you-my-scars, didn’t-think-I’d-live-to-tell-about-it, peace. It’s not gentle—it’s wild, fierce, and I’m not giving it up, not ever, because I paid too high a price to get it.

When I realized that, I cried.

There’s something beautiful about naming and knowing the place where you are in life. I could feel myself sigh inside and say, “Yes, that’s it.” This peace is mine and I can stay there as long as I’d like. I can eat the food, put my feet on the furniture, and invite my friends over.

It was once the land I fought for and pursued. Now it’s the place where my heart lives.

It’s good to be home.

About Holley

About Holley

Wall Street Journal Bestselling Author and Life Coach

I like humans, words, and good coffee. And I’d love to help you beat what’s holding you back, become all you’re created to be, and kick butt for the greater good.

Cheering you on,


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