A week ago I celebrated my 8th wedding anniversary. That date marked another anniversary for my husband and I as well. Four years ago we started the journey to having a family. And we’re still not there yet, although we do have one baby in heaven we’ll one day meet.
I debated about whether or not I should share this with you. After all, it’s personal and painful. But in the end, I decided it’s too much a part of who I am and the journey I’m on with God not to let you know.
If you’d told me, "It’s going to be at least four years" when we started down this path I think I would have said, "I’m not strong enough to wait that long." But you know what? With God, somehow I am. That’s just one of the many surprises I’ve discovered along the way.
Yes, there have been difficult days. I’ve cried a lot of tears. I’ve yelled in anger at God. I’ve spent months in a blur of wondering and waiting.
But there have also been blessings I never could have imagined, joy deeper than I’ve ever known, peace that passes understanding, and love wrapped around me like a blanket for my heart.
I wrote a card for DaySpring that expresses some of these things. On the cover, it says…
In hard times she’d learned three things–
She was stronger than she’d ever imagined.
Jesus was closer than she ever realized.
And she was loved more than she ever knew.
Would I have chosen this journey? Never. Would I trade it knowing that I do now? Not a chance. That sounds crazy but it’s true.
So this other anniversary is a mixed-up mess of laughter and tears, joys and sorrows, heartache and hope. I’ve come to believe most of life is that way.
There’s a verse in Proverbs that says something like, "Even in laughter the heart may sorrow and joy may end in grief." In our black and white world, that feels a bit odd. But this side of heaven it seems everything is a mixed-up, beautiful, broken mess…and we somehow live by grace in the middle of it all.
You may be wondering, "Where are you going on your journey to having kids next?" The answer is, "I don’t know." I’d appreciate your prayers for God to bring forth new life through me and make me fruitful–whether that is through a child or in another way. That’s what He’s put on my heart to pray and I would love for you to join me.
And although I may not know where I’m going on this journey, I do know who is going with me–my husband, family, friends, and a God who has shown me He is a Redeemer of the broken places in our lives. In this moment, for this step, that is somehow enough.