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I woke not to the sound of the alarm clock but lies ringing in my ears…
You’re not good enough.
You don’t have what it takes.
You’re going to let people down.
I wished for an emotional snooze button. In the absence of such a solution, I rolled over and tapped my husband on the shoulder. “I need to go for a walk,” I said.
Outside the grass was still wet, the sky blue, the new morning clean like a baby fresh out of the bath. I decided to tell my husband about the lies my heart kept hearing. Sometimes when you say such things out loud it’s like taking a pin to a balloon. In an instant it’s clear there’s nothing to it, just empty air.
But on this day the opposite happened. Instead of feeling relief I started ugly crying. Right there in the middle of the walking trail. In front of the row of houses with the big windows. The ones whose occupants like to post photos of unusual happenings on the neighborhood Facebook page.
I didn’t know what to do and the tears wouldn’t stop, so I just took off.
Now, I am not a graceful athlete on my best days. I run like a motivated duck. I sweat like I’ve just climbed out of a pond. Add the ugly cry and let’s just say you’re not going to see that photo on the back of a book. I felt just as messy on the inside, entirely undone, beyond the realm of reason or religious clichés.
Yet into that space came one simple phrase, “Jesus loves me, this I know.” I couldn’t think of anything else. It was all I had, all I knew for sure. I started emphasizing a different word with each step…
JESUS loves me this I know.
Jesus LOVES me this I know.
Jesus loves ME this I know.
And somehow, somewhere deep inside those words to a simple children’s song began to restore my sanity.
The world might tell me that I just needed more self-esteem to defeat those lies, to calm my racing heart. But what I needed, most of all, was to simply remember that I have a Savior. That I always have been and always will be loved just as I am.
That’s true in the moments when I ugly cry. In the ones when I let the worst of the lies get the best of me. Also in the entirely different ones when I share my heart in front of a crowd and the applause rolls across the room like gentle thunder (as it would at the speaking event later that night).
My husband caught up with me on the trail (it’s not hard to catch a sweaty duck). He hugged me and walked me home. Once we got there I sat on the edge of the bed, right by the spot where I’d woken up to the loud lies not long before. I didn’t hear them anymore.
Sometimes I think I need to know everything. But I’m finding, more often than not, what I really need is to remember one thing…
Jesus loves me this I know.
XOXO
Holley Gerth
p.s. I have a new devotional releasing September 18th called Hope Your Heart Needs: 52 Encouraging Reminders of How God Cares for You. I’m so excited about it! Each day talks about a different characteristic of who God is and how He loves us. Writing this book changed my life and I truly believe reading it will change yours. It’s available for preorder. And here’s a free excerpt.
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