Want to know the secret to love? There really is one…

Love each other. John 13:34

 {my graphics are free goodies for you}

Imagine you can know a secret that will make any relationship in your life more likely to last. This secret is small, quick and costs nothing. Like a tiny key, it unlocks what comes between you and the people you love. Would you be interested? It turns out there IS a secret like this. And as your Valentine’s Day gift, I’m sharing it with you.

John Gottman, a researcher and psychologist, has hosted couples at his “Love Lab” in Seattle for decades. Set up like an apartment, Gottman and his team (with the couple’s permission and in public spaces only) video the couples’ interactions.

Gottman has found we all make “bids for connection.” A bid might be as simple as saying, “Hey, look at this crazy bird in the backyard.” We have three responses to such bids…

  • Turn Away – This response ignores our partner. Maybe we keep our eyes glued to our phone or the TV.
  • Turn Against – This response is actually antagonistic, “Who cares about the stupid bird?”
  • Turn Toward – This response accepts the bid for connection. “Wow, I can’t believe that ostrich climbed our fence!”

Turning toward is the secret to lasting love. Couples who stay together turn toward each other about 86% of the time. And this doesn’t just apply to romantic partners. Turning toward also helps our relationships with kids, parents, friends, coworkers, even the dog.

Big love is about little things.

Now it’s your turn to pass along the secret.


Want More?

Listen to Love is Weird, Episode 10 of my new podcast, More than Small Talk. Thank you so much for recently putting More than Small Talk in the top 40 Christian podcasts! Not sure how to listen to a podcast? Start here.

About Holley

About Holley

Wall Street Journal Bestselling Author and Life Coach

I like humans, words, and good coffee. And I’d love to help you beat what’s holding you back, become all you’re created to be, and kick butt for the greater good.

Cheering you on,


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