Everyday Faith Archives

7 Questions that Will Protect All of Us from Toxic Words (Especially on Social Media)

The thoughtless words feel like someone sneezed on my soul. Have you ever stared at your phone or computer screen in shock? Or wished you could take back something you expressed in a moment of frustration?

Social distancing + social media doesn’t always bring out the best in us. Researchers have discovered many factors involved in this, including a sense of anonymity and the lack of eye contact. It’s easier to yell at someone when we’re typing than when we’re talking across a dinner table.

Yet unkindness is a health risk too. Psychology Today reported, “Rudeness is almost like a neurotoxin, a poisonous substance that negatively affects our nervous system. As such, it affects the way we think, act, and feel. It affects our executive functions and has a direct relationship with our brain health.”

The Apostle James said something similar thousands of years ago when he warned our words can be, “full of deadly poison” (3:8). So how do we protect ourselves from what we’re exposed to each day? And how do we make sure we aren’t adding to the emotional toxicity?

James goes on to say, “The wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and the fruit of good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere.” I recently realized this passage gives us a helpful checklist.

7 Questions that Will Protect All of Us from Toxic Words

(based on James 3:17-18)

Are these words…

1. Pure? Check the motive.

2. Peace loving? Healthy conflict is okay, harming others is not.

3. Gentle at all times? The opposite of oppression.

4. Yielding to others? Humility and service, not pride or control.

5. Full of mercy? No room for judgmental attitudes.

6. Free of favoritism? Favoritism = seeing one perspective instead of seeking to understand.

7. Sincere? It is not enough to be honest, we’re also called to be kind.

If someone’s words don’t pass this checklist, guard your heart and limit your exposure. And if you’re tempted to express words that don’t align with this list, hold back until you’re in a healthier place. This isn’t about staying silent; it’s about preparing to boldly speak the truth in love.

We may not work at a hospital but we’re in contact with hurting people every day, especially on social media. May we never underestimate the harm we can cause or the difference we can make.

Yes, words can be deadly poison. They can also be powerful medicine. “The words of the wise bring healing” (Proverbs 12:18).

– Holley Gerth

MORE

– The image above is available here as a (free) PDF that you can download and print.

– This week’s More than Small Talk podcast episode is New Normal. Suzie, Jennifer, and I talk about adapting to the changes we’re all experiencing, what we want to leave behind, how we can move forward, and why a little kindness makes a big difference right now.

– Do you feel called to use your words to bring hope and healing to the world now? My writing course is what you need to get started today (plus it’s half off)!

Have You Messed Up Lately? Then You Need to Hear This…

by Holley

In this post: I share a recent mistake and how we can focus on progress not perfection. Also, why we’re all more likely to struggle right now and what we can do about it. And more resources to help you move onward and upward today.

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I stand in front of the mirror and ask my reflection, “How could you have done that?” I think back to an incident yesterday where I was not at my best. As much as I want to, I can’t take back the words I said. Why did I let my emotions get the best of me again?

I’ve done hard work in the area where I messed up. I’ve read books. Talked to my counselor and good friends. Prayed about it and written reminders of truth in my journal. In this moment it feels as if it’s all been for nothing. Have you ever been there too?

Then I recall a moment from graduate school. My professor stands at the board and draws a series of hills and valleys. He says, “People think growth is a straight line and that if they fail, they slide down it all the way back to the bottom.”

He points at the mountain he’s just drawn and says, “But this is what growth actually looks like. It’s a series of peaks and valleys. When we mess up, yes, we experience a valley. But we need to remember that valley doesn’t mean we’re back at the beginning. We’re so much higher up than when we began.”

As I recall his words, my perspective starts to shift. Yes, I messed up again. But I recognized it sooner and made it right faster than I would have years ago. That is what it means to grow.

I think all of us are in a valley we never expected right now because of Covid-19. Our routines have been disrupted. The rhythms of our lives altered. We’re dealing with stress and fear we couldn’t have imagined a few months ago. Here’s the reality: We’re going to mess up. Especially in the areas of our biggest struggles.

When this happens, we can tell ourselves that we have completely blown it. The progress we thought we’d made isn’t real. We can become our own worst critics. Or we can remember the mountain my professor drew.

David, the Psalmist and a man who experienced many peaks and valleys, said poetically…

Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.
As they pass through the Valley of Baka,
they make it a place of springs;
the autumn rains also cover it with pools.
They go from strength to strength,
till each appears before God.
Psalm 84:5-7

My favorite phrase in this is, “they go from strength to strength.” We, as humans, can so easily feel we go from weakness to weakness. But that isn’t true. Because of Jesus, even on our worst days, in our weakest moments, we are still moving onward and upward. We are still going Home.

So let’s be gentle with ourselves, especially now. If we find ourselves in a valley let’s remember we have not completely failed. We are not starting over. We are so much higher up and further along than when we began.

We are not perfect.

But we are making progress every day.

Cheering You On,

Holley

MORE FOR YOU

– In a recent More than Small Talk podcast episode, Battle Cry, we talk about why fighting something hard isn’t a reason for shame–it’s proof you’re a warrior. And we share how you can have more victory.

– If you’d like to make progress in your writing, Be a Kick-Butt Writer by Friday will give you more clarity, confidence, and courage with your words.

– I’d love to personally help you move onward and upward with your God-sized dreams. Find out more about life coaching.

Why Feeling Like You’re Failing Can Be a Sign of Success

by Holley

In this post: When something is hard, we can feel like we’re not doing it well. I’ll share why that isn’t true so you can shift your perspective and keep pushing through. Plus exciting news about an opportunity to do life coaching with me!

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We are all doing hard things right now. Things we have never done before. We’re suddenly working remotely or teaching our kids, looking for jobs or serving on the front lines of a pandemic, doing video calls or standing in line for toilet paper, waking up to an empty house or one that’s suddenly so very full all the time.

In times like these, we can make the mistake of believing if something is hard then we must not be doing it well. But this isn’t true. Something can feel almost impossible and we can be doing it well at the same time.

I am an awkward runner—not gracefully athletic but more like an enthusiastic, uncoordinated giraffe. I have learned to accept this. I run anyway.

When I first started doing so, every time I felt out of breath, every time it got hard, I would tell myself things like, “You’re going so slow. You’re not doing a good job. This must be your worst run ever.” Then I discovered something: Every time a run felt especially hard, I ended up with a time that was my personal best.

The reality is, in the moments when we want to give up, when we feel weak and exhausted, when we think we can’t do it . . . we’re actually getting stronger.

We’re not tired because we’re failing; we’re tired because we’re fighting.

We’re not weary because we’re weak; we’re weary because we’re winning the battle to go to the next level in our lives.

I recently heard someone trained in neuroscience say on a podcast, “Get comfortable and even appreciate feeling frustrated and confused.” He explained confusion and frustration are the emotions we experience when we are learning and growing. Most people quit when they get to this point, he said, but on the other side of pushing through is the life we really want.

Now when a run feels hard I tell myself, “I must be doing better than before—it just doesn’t feel like it.” Let’s recognize effort and discomfort for what they are: signs of growth. In the place between what’s comfortable and what seems like it will surely kill us is often where we become all we’re created to be.

Research has also found shifting from self-criticism to self-compassion helps protect us from depression and anxiety. It increases motivation, energy, and the likelihood that we will persevere rather than give up. Being kind to ourselves isn’t weakness; it’s wisdom.

Let’s say this to ourselves today…

You’re doing hard things right now.

You’re doing the best you know how.

That is success.

– Holley

EXCITING NEWS

With all that’s going on in our world, I’ve returned to life coaching to help you make your hopes and dreams a reality. Now you can work with me personally! I’d love to help you take the next step toward the life you really want today. Get started now.

What I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Seasons of Waiting

by Holley

In this post: What a decade of infertility taught me about waiting well (and why we all need it now during Covid-19), an update on my family story, a life coaching tool, and a free download — Hope Your Heart Needs: 5 Encouraging Reminders of How God Cares for You

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My granddaughter Eula holds her Mama’s iPhone, racing around the backyard. I see flashes of yellow dandelions, the polka dots on her shirt, the blue sky above. She points out her favorites, “Bird! Wagon! Dommi (the dog)!” When she finally pauses to catch her breath and actually looks at the camera, I find myself in a moment of wonder. How did I end up in this moment?

I’ve asked this question in other ways during the recent Covid-19 crisis—staring at empty shelves in the grocery store, watching scary headlines on the news, trying to fix my computer camera for video meetings. Asking it then came from frustration and confusion. But that’s not what I’m feeling now. Right now, even in this difficult time, I feel a burst of joy.

I think back to a decade of infertility for Mark and I, a lifetime of difficulty for our daughter Lovelle, and how God brought us all together to be a family when she was twenty.

I think of Lovelle’s wedding day when she wore a white dress and danced with Mark.

I think of being in the room when she gave birth, holding her hand and telling her again and again, “You are strong. You are brave. You can do this.”

I think of the first time I held Eula, how she looked at me with her wide, curious eyes—the same ones staring through a screen at me now.

Almost seven years have gone by since we met Lovelle and it feels as if we’ve always been a family. I rarely even think about all those years of infertility. But right now the whole world is in a season of waiting and uncertainty, and I’m finding it feels strangely familiar.

During my infertility, I struggled with thinking God’s timing must be off or that maybe circumstances in my life had somehow slipped out of His control. Maybe I wasn’t good enough for Him to answer my prayers. I cried in the bathroom, shouted in frustration, found it hard to pray sometimes. Where was God? Why wasn’t He doing what I wanted—and doing it now?

August 28th is the day we legally changed Lovelle’s last name to ours. We call it “Gerth Day” and celebrate it every year like a birthday. And what day was Eula born? August 28th – Gerth Day. When I held her for the first time I knew deep in my soul that God’s timing had never been off, He had always been in control, He had better plans than all my demands.

I don’t believe God caused my infertility. I don’t believe God caused Covid-19. But I do believe that He is always working out His good plans for our lives, that there is so much more going on than what we can see with our eyes, that hope is a powerful thing and the desires of our heart will not go unmet—even if the answers to them look totally different than what we expect.

We are all waiting right now. We can’t determine what will happen next. But we can have hope because our story is not over.

Eula likes to say, “Nana, focus!” which always makes me laugh. Today I am focusing. In this moment I’m choosing to focus not on fear but gratitude, not uncertainty but love, not what the future may hold but my granddaughter holding a phone—and the God who still holds all of us in His hands.

Happy Mother’s Day from five generations of women in my family (my Mama, Granny Eula, me, Little Eula, and Lovelle)

Cheering You On,

Holley

Life Coaching Tool: Sometimes looking backward can help us keep moving forward. Pause to remember or write down a time when you were waiting for something that you have now. How did you see God working? What got you through that time that can help you now too?

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If Mother’s Day is difficult this year for you or someone you love because of infertility, loss, or Covid-19, I have a free download to give you hope. Click here to enter your email address and I’ll send you a 5-day sampler of devotionals from Hope Your Heart Needs: 52 Encouraging Reminders of How God Cares for You.

This week’s More than Small Talk podcast episode is Unexpectedly Fiercehearted. We answer the question, “What’s a time you wanted to give up but didn’t?” to help you overcome your challenges today too.

To All the Dreamers, Especially the Graduates in the Class of 2020…

by Holley

This time of year brings all the graduates and dreamers to my mind. You too? I’m especially thinking of those who won’t have the opportunity to walk across a graduation stage or wear a cap and gown this month, as so many events are being canceled due to Covid-19.

This letter I wrote years ago came to mind recently and I want to dedicate it now to the class of 2020…

*****

Dear Dreamers and Graduates,

Before you ever came into being, God knew you. He formed you with love and designed who you would become. You are made “in an amazing and wonderful way” (Ps. 139:14).

Your journey to this moment is not by coincidence. God looked out over all of history and chose you for a particular purpose. You could have entered the world a hundred years ago or a thousand years from now. But you are in this generation, here at this time.

There will never be another you. You can move forward with courage knowing that you don’t have to be like anyone else or do what any other person has done. You are created for one life—yours.

Whatever God chooses for you to do, you will be given all you need to achieve it. Success is simply trust and obedience. His good plans for you haven’t changed. You still have hope and a future. There is so much more ahead for you.

Those who love you are cheering you on today, and will be every step of the way!

— Holley

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MORE RESOURCES

Graduation Gifts: DaySpring has my newest book, Cheering You On: 50 Reasons Why Anything is Possible with God, on sale for only $10 until May 4th! It’s perfect for grads. You can download a short excerpt here.

Is writing your dream? You don’t have to wait another minute (and if you do, you might miss out). My Be a Kick-Butt Writer by Friday course is $100 off for a limited time. Get started now.

Life Coaching: Even more help for achieving your dreams. I’m taking on a very small amount of clients. Find out more. (If writing is your dream, complete the course first.)

Podcast: This week’s More than Small Talk is “A Storm-Free Life.” Listen in on KLRC.com or via your favorite podcast listening app.

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